Every Step I Take [Mickey]

[Graham Kerr]

He was completely screwed. That's what he was. And not just the normal I'm-a-teenager-and-I-mess-around screwed, but the hey-guess-what-I-just-got-bitten-and-turned-into-a-werewolf kind of screwed. Which, well, didn't go too well with his dating purposes. In fact, it left him terrified of hurting Mickey now that he knew what he could do. His strength had increased, his control decreased now that part of him had become an animal. Not to mention that every full moon he'd be turning into a monster, who could just as easily shred his love as he would do any forest creature. All those were very valid reasons to stay away from his non-and-definitely-not-future boyfriend, but he felt horrible. Not only had he promised him that he wouldn't bail [which, for the record, he totally was], he could hear him breathe at night, could smell that intoxicating scent the other just radiated.

Oh yeah, and he could spot him in any crowd, which was rather handy when you tried to avoid someone. Which, despite his honest promises, he was. He'd been "busy" with school work, only occasionally smiling at him in the hallway before darting into another corridor, away from the blonde he wanted so much.

And yet tonight he was in the common room, though it was well after curfew and every single student had gone up to bed. Gray was sat near the fire, enjoying the heat though he had enough of his own to keep warm now that he'd become a werewolf. He was chewing on a piece of gum, trying to get the taste of blood from his mouth, because the fact that he enjoyed rare meats now still disgusted him a little more than he wanted to admit. He was adjusting, yes, but that didn't mean he was liking what had changed. Not to mention, he had this ridiculous attachment to Nate now, and sometimes sensed the others overly friendly thoughts for someone who had always felt like a sister.

[Mickey McKey]

Something weird was going on lately, and young Mickey McKey did not like it. He had no idea what had happened to Graham between the night that they fell asleep together and now, but he sure wished he did. His housemate had taken such a dramatic turn of emotion in that time that he was surprised the tall boy didn't have whiplash. That night had been so amazing, at least for him, yet now... Now, he was lucky to even get a nod out of the older Hufflepuff. After all the boy had said about not leaving him, Mickey strongly hoped he hadn't just been playing him. He didn't know if he could handle another person walking out on him like that.

Unable to sleep, the blonde had slipped down to the kitchen to get himself some supplies. He intended to spend this night doing all the homework he'd been neglecting for the past few weeks. If Graham wasn't going to let them even talk to each other, then he might as well use this time productively, and try to catch up. He couldn't do that without food, though. About half an hour later, and arms full of food, he stumbled back in to the commonroom.

Immediately, his eyes snapped to Graham. Double crud – If the man was in a bad mood, Mickey had no doubt he'd report him for being out so late. Though perhaps... Perhaps he'd just been busy recently? Just a bit too preoccupied, and didn't have time to talk or anything like that. Ever optimistic, the small boy opted to believe this version of events, and therefore made the decision to act like normal. Thus, he tried to be as subtle as he could and attempted to sneak up behind the sixth year, a smile on his face.

”Boo!” Was his quiet, half-hearted attempt of making the man jump, though he said it more to get his attention. ”Where have you been recently? I've missed you...”

[Graham Kerr]

Well...damn. Gray had been occupied by his thoughts, by the fire that danced in the fireplace, but he'd heard someone come in. Had smelled that it was him and contemplated heading up to the dorm before the younger male spotted him. He'd figured out soon enough though that this would only make things worse, and as he really didn't want to hurt the other, he'd stayed put, letting him 'sneak up on him'. Hah.

The words were so sweet that they made his heart ache, and Gray looked up with big blue eyes that were filled with guilt. He knew that what he was doing was wrong, but how could he trust himself around the attractive blonde boy? He might end up hurting him far worse than he did now by trying to stay away.

"Hey" His reply was soft, words slow as if he was seriously contemplating whatever he was saying. "How've you been?" The words 'I missed you too' were on his lips, but why rub salt in the wounds he'd undoubtedly created? Graham bit his lip a little harder than he'd intended, wincing as he felt the sting. "Can you...do you have time to talk?" Not the talk, because he didn't want the younger male to flee the scene in horror. It was easier to have him be hated because of something he did wrong, rather than something he wouldn't be able to ever change.

[Mickey McKey]

The young face spread into a grin as he opened his mouth to tell Graham that he was feeling considerably better for seeing him, but the man's next questions stopped any words from coming out of his mouth. The cheerful expression was washed away by a new one, a mixture of shock, worry and pure dread. At the same time, all colour drained from his face. Time to talk... That didn't sound good at all. Then again, what positive reasons would anyone have for asking if you had time to talk? Whenever anyone said that, it could only ever be about something bad.

Mouth suddenly dry, Mickey nodded slowly, and moved to sit down near his housemate. His mind was working at a million miles and hour as he moved his gaze from Graham's face to his own hands. His hand drifted up to his mouth and he bit down on his ring while he worried. Damn, McKey! Pull yourself together. Nothing had even happened yet and he was already feeling like he was in a really bad nightmare, and wishing he could wake up.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake this feeling, so he decided to try and hurry it up the best he could. "What's wrong?" He blurted out suddenly, eyes snapping to the elder's face. He felt sick to his stomach, with worry, with anxiety, and probably every other feeling that could make a person feel nauseous. "Have I... Have I done something wrong? I..." He trailed off and hung his head, ring meeting his teeth again. By the atmosphere that had fallen around them, the blonde got the impression that there was no point talking, it wouldn't change a thing. There was nothing he could do but sit and hope that this wasn't going to be what he thought it was.

[Graham Kerr]

Oh Merlin. He was going to go straight to hell. Gray watched Mickey bite down on his ring, felt the familiar butterflies, but they were mingling with the dread in his stomach. He really didn't want to do this. He wanted to say fuck it and try. But he couldn't endanger him. Not Mickey, who'd already had too much pain in his life. He deserved something good and let's face it, Graham just wasn't it. He wished it would be easy to convince the younger one of this.

"God no. You're perfect. I mean. This..." He sighed deeply, rubbing at his forehead before gently taking the smaller boys hand in his own, coaxing him to sit down next to him. What he wanted was a chance to kiss him again. To assure him that he'd come back to him once things were settled. Once he knew how to control himself. But Nate had been a werewolf for some time now, and even that wasn't a guarantee. There was something in the boys idea of staying away from everyone you could potentially fall for.

He ran the fingers of his free hand through his hair, chewing on his lip for a moment. "I'm going to hurt you, and there's nothing I can change about that. And God, I wish you knew how bad I feel about this...how fake I feel for telling you that I wouldn't run away from you. I'm just...I know it's gonna sound like a line, but it's not you. I swear it's not. I wish I could explain..." Gray felt like hitting something, but he was trying to remain calm, so he just swore, loudly. "Fuck. I really like you, Mickey. I do."

[Mickey McKey]

Mickey let himself be led to the seat, figuring that even if he hadn't wanted to sit there, he wouldn't have been able to fight against it anyway. Seriously, he felt so weak right now, he was expecting to keel over at any given moment. Hand resting limply in Graham's, he couldn't gather the strength to return any pressure, or move at all. Even his eyes felt like they were frozen in the sockets - staring at the floor, but not really seeing anything at all. This was horrifying.

Fixed in this position, he listened in complete silence as the boy stumbled his way through what he was saying. So, it was exactly what he'd thought it would be. After a few minutes delay, the blonde wrenched himself out of his state and looked straight at Graham once again, eyes wide and questioning. "I like-but... Why? I," For goodness sake, he was a stuttering mess. Scrunching his face up, he gulped and tried again. The results were no more coherent. "I don't understand- I like you- Why do you...? Why-What's...But you said... You...we..." Mickey was starting to get annoyed at himself, but he could barely even recognise that feeling under everything else right now. With a large sigh, he swallowed hard and made one more attempt. "But that night... You said... You were lying?"

[Graham Kerr]

Gray bit on his lip again, looking at the blonde who seemed to simply be crashing in front of him. He wanted nothing more than to take it all back, to bury the smaller one in his arms and forget about anything that had been said. "God, no. I didn't. I meant everything I said, and I still do. It's not that I don't want you, I really do. There's just..." He wanted to say it, but he couldn't. He needed to protect him, and what if Mickey decided he didn't care? It was one thing to ignore his job, but this was something he couldn't risk. There was potential death involved, and Mickey deserved all the happiness he could possibly get.

"Something's come up, and I figured I'd be ready but I need more time." It was true in a way, since he was hardly ready to come out, and being with him in secret sounded highly unfair. That was for people like Alfie. "Listen, I...I know that I probably sound like a liar right now, but you know what I want? I want you to meet my mum, and my brother. I want for us to be happy. Y'know, together. But right now...right now is just not a good time for any of that."

[Mickey McKey]

For a few minutes after Graham finished speaking, the boy sat silent, still staring blankly at a fixed spot, his mind apparently miles away, presumably trying to find a happier place than they were currently in. The moment his wandering mind gave up and returned to him, everything suddenly hit him with a renewed strength, emotion overwhelmed him and he quite literally crumpled in his seat. Covering his face with his hands, Mickey slowly started shaking, and then broke in to laughter. By no means was it a happy sound – the boy sounded more in pain than anything else, but in his mind it was a better reaction than crying. He hated crying, especially when around people, and especially around the person who's causing these feelings in the first place.

Unable to regain his composure, and equally as unable to look at the man next to him any more, the little blonde spoke at the floor. ”I'm an idiot, aren't I?” He said quietly, with the sad laugh still in his voice. ”I knew this would happen, right from the start. Yet I let you persuade me it wouldn't and I... I believed you. And I guess I just sort of, well, assumed when you said we would be something that, you know, that was what was going to happen. It does sort of give of the impression that you want it...but ... Stupid mistake, right?” His short rant had started off directed to Graham, but had slowly drifted off, and by the end he'd been speaking to himself more. Now, his mind had practically started shutting itself down, and he was hardly able to even be aware that the man was still around. Shaking his head gently, he kept his face in his hands and continued laughing gently to himself.

[Graham Kerr]

He was the worlds biggest douchebag, wasn't he? Graham sat there, looking at Mickey, hands folded around his chin. He frowned, not knowing what to do or say, or how to fix this in fact. What on earth could he say that would make this better? There was no way things would be alright, but maybe...if he just tried...maybe he could convince him that he wasn't leaving forever. Problem was, he knew it was another thing he couldn't promise. Because if it was in Mickeys best interest, he would leave. He'd do anything for the younger male.

"Mickey..." His voice was soft, rough with emotion that he tried to force back, for the youngsters sake. "I want you. So much more than I should." He'd said all this before but maybe this time it'd sink in. Maybe this time he'd actually believe him.

It hurt, in all honesty, that the young Hufflepuff never believed anything he'd said. Yeah, okay, he didn't have the best reputation, but he didn't lie about his feelings. He didn't try and lead on someone he liked, for fucks sake. He'd never said anything that wasn't true, and yet he was doubted time and again.

Gray laughed, a hollow laugh. "I swear to God, you drive me crazy. I'm in my bed and I can fucking HEAR you breathe" Which he shouldn't even be able to, given that they weren't on the same floor, but Graham could care less about giving him clues right now. "And I want you so bad it hurts. I can't stop thinking about you...I'm falling in love with you and I'd give anything for things to be right, but they just aren't. They're wrong, and I can't be with you, I can't be what you need and that kills me."

[Mickey McKey]

Graham was making his moods change faster than even he could register, and Mickey hated it. Honestly, he wanted nothing more than to get angry at the taller man so they could forget this and move on. It'd be best course of action for both of them, to just move on, but when he said things like that... It was unfair for the elder to give him so much hope. That was exactly what it did, gave him hope that they could fix it. Mickey gave the other man a pleading look with large, blue eyes, and shuffled closer to him.

"How do you even know what I need?" He asked, in a small and quiet voice. "You can't know that, because you're not me. But I am, and I need this to work, because you said it would." With a slightly more desperate tone to his voice, he leant even closer to his housemate and continued. "Please, I can... We can make it right. Whatever's wrong. We can fix it. Or at least we can try, can't we?" Moving closer still "...Can't we? I..." Still not quite aware of how close he'd gotten to Graham now, he bit his lip and frowned slightly. "I'm being so pathetic, I know. I just..."

[Graham Kerr]

The word 'yes' was on his lips before he could even think about what the other was asking from him. He was asking for a chance, regardless of his being a werewolf, and Gray knew that he couldn't give him that, not as long as he didn't tell him the truth. Of course, it wasn't as easy as simply coming out and saying 'hey, I'm a werewolf' if only because he needed to protect Nate. And Mickey as well. What if the younger claimed it didn't matter? He didn't know what he was getting himself into.

"You're not pathetic...I want to fix this just as much as you do, believe me" Gray was focused on how close he was, terribly focused. His hand went out to run through Mickeys hair, his eyes being drawn towards the youngsters lips on more than one occasion. It really was terribly frustrating. "I want to try, I do, it's just. It'll take time...I need you to give me time." Maybe...Maybe if he had time, maybe he could learn to control it.

Of course, he shouldn't think about Nate and how the other still stayed away from personal relationships, because that would simply make him lose all hope. "I promise that I'm only trying to protect you" It was little more than a whisper, the blonde finally giving in to what he wanted and pressing his lips softly to the others mouth.

[Mickey McKey]

Mickey wanted nothing more than to just relax and lose himself in the kiss. For one moment, when their lips first touched, he almost did. Everything felt so wonderful, like it was all right again. If only he could keep Graham's words out of his mind and forget that, no matter whether they were kissing or not, and irrespective of what he said from this point on, they were breaking up, then maybe it could be alright. But it was impossible to ignore, and even less possible to refrain from reacting to it. One tear escaped from his eye, rolled down his cheek, and he gently pushed the other way.

”This isn't fair.” He said gently, wiping his cheek with a hand, and clambering to his feet. The small blonde didn't feel like he had full control of his limbs any more, his actions were clumsy, and he made sure to look anywhere other than at the man next to him. ”It's not. You can't do this to me. You can't break up with me and then... and then kiss me like that...” Stumbling off towards his dorm, he stopped at the bottom of the steps, legs shaking, and spoke to the floor. ”I'll wait for you. Just..please don't expect me to do it alone. And... Oh, Jesus.” It was too much to bear, and, pressing a hand to his forehead, he slowly made his way up the stairs to his room.