And I Do Regret More Than I Admit [Bryn]

[lukas]

Hey,

Dude, I don't know where to begin. I know you probably really don't want to talk to me right now, which is why I'm sending you this rather than getting all in your face. I figured things wouldn't get so bad, that we'd laugh about this, but then...well I guess the paper really fucked that up, huh?

I'm sorry.

- Luke

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[Bryn Kennedy]

Luke.

Sorry I just cant face you right now everything got way out of control and things got screwed up. You know where you stand with me but the thing is I realise that maybe what you're feeling for me isnt only friendship and I cant let that continue its not fair on you and I've had an earful off Brooke because of it.

This isnt something we can just laugh about Luke and yeah the paper really put a turn on things. I dont know what's going on or who began that rumour and right now I cant even be bothered to care. What I do think is that we should just stay away from each other for a while, especially until you get over your... 'crush' on me.

Im sorry, but its for the best.
Bryn

[lukas]

I don't agree. I'm not sure if I even get a say in this, but fuck this. It's bullshit.

Yeah, I like you, and I have for a really long time, and you've known it for probably as long as I've known. It's never been an issue before, why does it have to be one now? Just because I snogged you?

I was drunk out of my mind, and I never would've done it otherwise. I know that I don't stand a chance with you, and that's fine with me, Bryn. I mean, yeah, it's kinda shitty, but it's not like I can choose who to fall in love with, and it's not like I expect something to happen. I never did, and whether or not this is 'fair' to me doesn't matter to me AT ALL. I just want to be friends.

As far as getting over this crush goes, I actually think it'll go faster if we just hang out than if we avoid each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that shit. 'Sides, you're not the only cute guy on this planet you know. I've been talking to Bayne a few and I think we might get somewhere in a little while.

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[Bryn Kennedy]

I didnt think you would agree and you're right... you dont get a say in it.

Its an issue now because it's been said! I could ignore it before because it was never shown or proven but now it has been I'm just not sure how I can deal with it. I'm not even sure if I can deal with it. Luke, this isnt about you, this is about me. I need to stay away from you, for my own sake as much as yours. Yeah you dont get it, I didnt think you would. Hell, I dont even get it.

I'm just not comfy with the whole situation right now. I'm sorry Luke but I need to stay away from you. This has gone beyond anything I can handle. We'll always be friends that'll never change. I just need time. I know this is probably killing you, but if something can happen with Bayne and you then for that too, I need to stay away. Until I'm sure you're over it, I think it best that way.

I'm Sorry.

[lukas]

Bryn,

Fine. You know what. Go ahead and stay away from me. I know better than to argue with you because no matter what I say, it won't make a damn difference. If you think that this is better for you then do it, but I'll tell you something, it's definitely not better for ME. So don't pretend that it is and that you're doing this to protect me, because you're not.

Also, keep an eye on your sis. I'm not going to tell you why because you probably don't even give a rats ass because if I do, she'll only get hurt, but just do me that one favor.

Oh, and if you happen to see me, yeah, some guys got to me and no, I'm not fine.

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[Bryn Kennedy]

What the fuck Luke? Why is my sister getting hurt! What the fuck have you done? Luke, if my sister is in trouble you better tell me now why! How the fuck am I meant to look after her if I dont know what the hell I'm protecting her from! I swear if you've gotten her in shit I will never forgive you for it.

Oh you know what Luke, screw you. How dare you say I dont give a shit. All I've ever done is look out for you and every fucker else and I have never once asked for anything in return. The moment I do, the moment I say I need a bit of time to sort myself out you turn it all around so its all about you.

Did you ever THINK for one moment that even I need time away from people? Did you ever think that maybe underneath the cracking joke exterior I do feel the way every other human being does?

For once Luke,
The world isnt about you.

Now, you better tell me what the fuck has happened and why my sister is in trouble.

[lukas]

Don't you fucking get angry with me, Kennedy. I didn't do a fucking THING to get your sister in trouble. Did you ever think that maybe I care about her as much as you do, huh?! That maybe all I am doing is trying to protect her, instead of fucking up and getting everyone in trouble?! Christ. I do OTHER things besides messing everything up, okay!!!

And you know what, YOU started out by saying that this was to protect ME. So don't tell me that I'm making this about me, because you were the one saying shit that I needed time to fall out of love with you.

Of course I know you're more than just a jokester. Christ, Bryn, it's ME. I'm just fucking terrified of losing you, okay?! I know that I fucked up, I just don't want that to be the last thing that happens between us. So I'm sorry that I lashed out to you, I just really really really don't want to this to happen.

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[Bryn Kennedy]

Well then if you didnt who the fuck did, eh? The last thing I knew was that she was perfectly safe and now your telling me she's in trouble!? What the fuck else do you expect me to think?

Luke we BOTH need time! I'm not saying you need time away from me, yeah okay I said I was doing it for you because I didnt want to admit that I was the one who was feeling fucked up! I dont even know anymore!! You know what, fine forget it whatever. I wont stay away from you then you can watch me fall apart instead because I havnt had the time I needed to clear my head and think of how I'm going to get out of this mess! You know, I actually like someone. Harriet... and for all i know that news clipping could have fucked it all up. Brooke's mad at me cause of it Bayne will only look at me to throw me evils... You're alright, you havnt got any of the throwbacks from them. Brooke will still talk to you without yelling, Bayne is still there for you...

Fuck it.
Whatever.

Luke. Listen to me. You wont ever lose me, I'm still always going to be here for you, that wont ever change right now I just need a couple of days without everyone talking at me thats all.

Now for fucks sake.. Please tell me why Brooke is in danger. I'm going out of my mind with worry here!

[lukas]

No. I don't want you to fall apart. Take all the time you need, I mean it. If you think that this is the best thing to do, then do it. I could talk to Harriet if you want, or not, I don't know. Look, people we know have to understand that this is bullshit. They shouldn't give you grief over it, I'm the one who messed up. Though Bayne yelled at me for most of the evening too. I actually admitted the truth, about everything.

And that's where everything went wrong. Someone overheard, you know what, and they...oh fuck, do I really have to say it? They waited until I was a girl again and then they raped me. They said that they'd do the same to Brooke if I ever told anyone. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you. I just. I don't think she's safe.

[Bryn Kennedy]

Sorry I'm just replying now, I got your last letter just after the second lesson but I could only reply now. Still at least the days over... its about five now... kinda cold with the window open and the sky's going dark... hang on, why am I writing shit?

Just give me a couple of days and I'll be alright. I'll be usual, bubbly fun Bryn again for now I just need to sit and feel sorry myself. Why dont they ever have ben and jerrys cookie dough when you need it? Yeah but that's the thing, Luke. People believe stupid things, god the amount of shit that news paper printed... like Nathan Spencer being a pole dancer or whatever, that was total bullshit but some people believed it.

You mean you told Bayne about Lorelei? I take he didnt take it well? Or was he yelling before that? Bayne has a tendancy to shout when he's feeling vulnerable apparently.. according to Brooke anyway. So.. lemme get this right.

Some guys found out about Lorelei, they didnt like it and they took it out on you? As though it was your fault... they beat you up and raped you and said that if you tell anyone they'll do the same thing to Brooke? You mean someone could be hurting Brooke because of you everything?

Hang on... I havnt seen Brooke since second lesson... right before I got your last letter.
You dont think she's in trouble do you? No, how would anyone know that you've told me? Unless they... knew we were writing and intercepted it?

Luke Find Her!
If anyone touches one hair on her head I'll fuckin kill them.

[lukas]

Bayne...he was actually not too bad about it. The yelling was before that, he told me to stop hiding. And, ironically, that not everything was about me. Am I really that selfish? I never really figured that I was. Anyway, I'm sorry.

Yeah, they could hurt Brooke because of me. You can say it. It's my fault. That's what she said too, just now. Found her, she's safe with Danny. They tried to hurt her, but they didn't manage to rape her like they did to me.

Guess I really fucked up, huh? She doesn't want to speak to me, you don't want to talk to me for at least a while, and Bayne...well I didn't exactly tell him the truth. I didn't want him to go all knight in shining armour and make things worse. Ugh. You're all right, I'm a total fuck up. /emo

[Bryn Kennedy]

You really are that selfish but thats just you, Luke. It doesnt matter, we all would like you to stay you, and if selfishness is part of you then we'll take that too. I dont know what you do to Bayne, I've never seen him yell before...

No, its not your fault and I'm an arse for thinking that it is. Its the people who did this to you, they're the one's to blame. It's not your fault the way you are, you're more comfortable this way and they should just accept it. If their tiny tiny brains can not understand it then they need to be put through a blender. Brooke's safe? That's good, I know she'll be safe with Danny. He'll look after her. If I know anything about Bee then I know she wont want to be crowded, I'll just wait for her in the common room. I didnt think they'd be able to do that to her, she's a fighter, she wouldnt have sat back and just let them have their way.

You did fuck up. Big style but its alright. Everyone screws up once in a while. Brooke will come around and I am still speaking to you. Wouldnt be writing if I wasnt.
Bayne deserves the truth. He'll find out sooner or later and its better coming from you.

Bryn

[lukas]

I think I drive him nuts. But he does the same to me. We agreed to try and behave though, and not go for each others throat all the time. It's odd. I feel...strange, when I'm around him. It's a good kind of strange though. Or it used to be.

I did. "sat back and let them have their way". I think. I don't know. They managed, I think there's really nothing else to say about that. I managed to turn back for a bit but then threw up, hence why I'm into hiding at the moment. I need to tell Brooke the truth, if she'll ever listen to me again.

I know I should tell him the truth, but it's already so much, y'know? We're not dating and though I think we might, at some point, I don't want him to back out because of what happened. I don't want him to think he has to worry about me that much. It's hard, being vulnerable in front of him, and I couldn't do it.