It's Not Me, It's You [Ashton]

[Markus O'Keefe]

Markus had left Ashtons bed quietly sometime in the morning when the other boy was still sleeping soundly. He'd needed some time away from pretty much everyone and everything, but mostly the boy that he'd been so intimate with. Even canceling out the sex, it had been more than he could handle, and it had taken everything he had not to bolt right away. Instead he'd written him a note.

Ash,

I couldn't sleep anymore, so I decided to head back to my dorm to do some homework - you've got quite an influence on me. You looked like you could use your rest, so I didn't want to wake you. See you next time for our study session. Astronomy Tower, eight p.m. on Monday.

- Markus

Instead of doing homework, he'd spent most of the morning staring out of the Gryffindor Common Room window, chewing on his bottom lip and telling himself exactly why he couldn't be seen caring for this particular brunette. It would all be much easier if he pretended this sexual tension between them wasn't there anymore, that things were finished once they'd slept together.

Of course he knew it would be difficult, especially knowing about his father, but he figured they could still be friends. Just...no more touching, no more flirting. It'd be better for the both of them; Ash could find a boyfriend who cared for him, and he'd get the grades he needed.

The Gryffindor had walked up to the Astronomy tower early that night, heading straight up after dinner so he had some time to spare. He was certainly doing a lot of thinking lately, about if he was ready to change his ways, if he even wanted to, and why the Ravenclaw mattered so much. He was lost in thoughts, not even noticing when the clock struck eight.

[Ashton Laurent]

Ash had woken up to find Markus' side of the bed empty, and a note left in it's place. He read the note and sighed. He didn't know why he felt so disappointed. He had already told himself to not expect Markus to stay. So why was he feeling so down now? With another sigh, Ash crawled out of bed and began to dress. Seeing as it was Monday, he figured it was best to wear the full uniform. Besides, he knew he looked good in it.

Ash pulled on the black slacks, white button-down shirt, grey sweater with the Ravenclaw crest, black and blue Ravenclaw tie, and finally black shoes. Checking his reflection in the mirror, he straightened his hair with a quick spell, removed his snakebite since it wasn't allowed in class, pulled on his robes, pinned on his Head Boy badge, and headed out the door.

It was going to be another long day, he could just feel it. And sure enough it was. Before he had even gotten to breakfast he had already taken five points from Hufflepuff, and five from Ravenclaw. That was ten points in less than five minutes! Honestly, would these kids ever learn? Well, true... Ash was still sort of a kid himself, even if he was almost eighteen.

The rest of the day passed, and soon it was time for dinner. Ash sat with his usual friends and listened to their banter, but not really paying attention to it. Finally, he finished eating and saying goodbye to his friends made his way to the astronomy tower. He had seen Markus leave a few minutes earlier and had decided to wait a little before following him. Taking a shortcut, he arrived at the tower just as the clock struck eight. "Looks like we're right on time." he joked, probably startling Markus whom it seemed wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings.

[Markus O'Keefe]

Markus turned around when he heard Ashton speaking, quickly forcing a smile onto his face. It was a friendly smile, nothing more, as during the time he'd been left alone to think, he'd decided that being friends was really the only thing he could cope with. As much as he'd enjoyed their time together, as much as he would enjoy a repeat, it was better for both of them if they stuck to the previous routine, minus the flirting.

"Evening" His voice sounded friendly, but cautious, as if he was expecting the brunette to throw himself at him and demand more of what had happened last night. It'd be nice, sure, to forget all about his morals and shit, but for once he HAD morals and making someone fall for him when he was sure he couldn't be that loving, devoted boyfriend the other needed was too cruel even for him. "Stars look good tonight."

Because of course that's what they had to be doing. Stargazing. It sounded stupid on your average day, but doing it with someone you slept with (and might potentially like) made it sound like this whole romantic kind of ordeal. Which it couldn't ever be. Period. End of fucking story.

[Ashton Laurent]

Ash smiled back and nodded in reply. He looked up at the stars before sitting down next to Markus. "Yeah, they do" He wondered if Markus would bring up what had happened the night before and decided that if the older boy didn't mention it, neither would he.

Still, that didn't mean he couldn't think about it. After all, why wouldn't he? The sex had been great. Although part of him had wished that Markus stayed longer even though the younger boy had known the Gryffindor would leave.

It was kind of ironic that their assignment tonight was stargazing. Especially after a night of sex. It was something couples did. But they weren't a couple. And as much as Ash wanted them to be, yes he was finally admitting it, there was a possibility that he was falling in love, he knew they never would be.

He didn't mind too much. Merely having the older boy's friendship was enough for him. "Alright, so what exactly is the assignment?" he asked not wanting to dwell on last night's events and the fact that all he and Markus ever would be was friends. Or, at least that semmed to be the case.

[Markus O'Keefe]

In a way, it hurt that Ashton only asked about the assignment, and didn't even plan to approach the subject of what had happened last night. Markus contemplated this for a second, watching as the boy sat next to him. It was probably better for the both of them if they didn't get into this, but at the same time he wanted things to be out in the open. For the boy to understand that he wasn't rejecting him, even though he was staying away.

"Assignment? Oh." He flicked through his book, eyes scanning the pages quickly. "Something to do with Mars and a bunch of other planets and where they're at in the sky today? I'm not sure...they want me to write down what this means, and what it has to do with divination or something?" It was hardly his fault that he'd had trouble paying attention in class, even today when the assignment had been repeated, he'd been too worried about being confronted with Ash again.

Looking at the Ravenclaw for the first time, he sighed and rushed fingers through his hair. "Listen. Before we go and do this stupid shit, I want you to know something. I don't regret what happened last night, but all things considered, it's really better if we're friends." His voice grew softer as he finished speaking, the brunette chewing on his lip for a moment. "You deserve something I can't give you."

[Ashton Laurent]

As much as it bothered him to admit... it hurt a little to not at least talk about the night before. Ash had spent the majority of the day thinking about it and had realised that if either of them were to keep their sanity intact, and keep things the way they were... they couldn't be together. Not in that sense anwyay.

He listened as Markus described the assignment. Scoffing when divination was mentioned. "Honestly... they still teach that bullshit?" he said in a scornful voice. In his opinion, divination was a waste of time and classroom space.

Of course, he supposed he was being a bit of a hypocrite by ragging on divination, when he himself took astronomy, which was very similar. But honestly, looking at stars and planets and constellations made more sense to him than reading tea leaves and palms and gazing into crystal balls. What a bunch of rubbish.

Markus' next words stopped his oncoming rant about divination. Of course the boy would bring up the events of the night before. He listened as Markus said that it was better if they were just friends. Hadn't the brunette already figured that out for himself? He didn't get into Ravenclaw by being a moron now did he? Of course this wasn't the time to be getting snippy and sarcastic, so he wisely kept his mouth shut. Merely nodding his head and saying, "As much as I loathe to admit it, you're probably right"

What he did not answer, was the 'You deserve something I can't give you' part. How the hell did Markus know if he couldn't give it to him or not? But Ash didn't feel like arguing tonight, so he didn't answer. Welll, okay he did. But it was one of those vague, what-the-hell-is-he-talking-about? answers.

"Maybe you can. Mayeb you can't"

[Markus O'Keefe]

Markus hadn't expected the snippy answer the brunette gave him at first, and it was obvious by the way he looked up, almost-surprise appearing in his eyes for a second or so. It was replaced by something else as he looked away, absently flipping through the pages of his Astronomy book. Loathe as he was to do his homework, he didn't really know what else to say on the subject.

Except.

Well, it was worth a shot maybe. If they wanted to be friends, if that's what they would be...Markus chewed on his lip, taking the letter out of his pocket before he'd consciously made a decision to tell him. "I meant what I said. About being friends. It's not some line or anything. I know that it probably sounds like that, but I enjoy spending time with you." After a pause, he added dryly "When we're not doing homework, that is."

Pushing the envelope idly from one hand into the other, he glanced at it and then at the boy next to him. "I don't exactly know why I'm telling you this, as it's something I've never told anyone before...maybe it's just because I want you to know that I'm being honest." Honest about being friends, about liking him and wanting to make an effort. "I'm not a Pureblood at all. The woman who is supposed to be my mother...my father's wife...he murdered her so no one would know. I was born from an affair between my father and a servant girl."

[Ashton Laurent]

To say Ash was confused was an understatement. He'd already said he wanted to be friends with the older boy hadn't he? So what was all this coming out in the open now? Then, it dawned on him. Markus really did want to be his friend. A real friend. Not someone who just showed up when it was convenient. It was a nice feeling.


It also meant he better listen. He had a feeling that what Markus was about to say was important. That it was something he'd told very few people. And that he was finally trusting Ash. At least with this part of himself. Still, Ash couldn't help but joke a little. Try to break up the tension. "And what makes you think I actually enjoy homework?" he teased.

Markus' next words shocked him into silence. He wasn't a pureblood? He was born out of an affair? His father had murdered his wife?

"Why did your dad kill her? Couldn't he simply force her to take a Wizard's Oath that she'd never tell anyone? What about your mom? Does your dad still keep her around?"

[Markus O'Keefe]

Markus was glad that Ashton didn't make too much of a fuss over things, that he simply seemed to accept they would be friends. It meant that he listened to him, which was a nice feeling. It was close to what he had with Scorpius, but he'd never told this to the Slytherin blonde. He doubted he ever would too. Even though he wasn't sure, up until the Ravenclaw responded, that he had made the right decision in telling him, it did feel nice to have someone who knew the truth.

"He never cared for my mother...I figured that he wanted a chance to live a happy bachelors life, and he couldn't exactly do that with my mother still alive." A wizards oath would have been easy, but he knew his father didn't rely on magic to keep secrets. Murder was much easier. Quicker too, as it was a one time only thing that never had to be worried about again.

"As far as my real mother...I guess he must've cared for her in his own way..he didn't kill her as he did his wife. He just sent her away and told her never to contact me. If she would, he'd kill her." Holding up the note, he looked at it for a moment. "Guess she signed her death warrant with this..." The back of the note said that it came from his mother, but he hadn't opened it yet. Hadn't dared to.

[Ashton Laurent]

Ash was still shocked yes, but he didn't see any reason to make a fuss. He was also slightly upset that Markus hadn't told him the truth. But he couldn't say he blamed him. It was what every pureblood child was taught. To preserve your own skin. Even Ash's own dad as horrible as he was, had taught his children this lesson. And Markus had been raised a pureblood even though he wasn't. Not really anyway. Which meant his mother must've been a half-blood or muggle-born.

Wow... Mr. O'Keefe sounded pretty harsh. How could you murder your own wife just because you couldn't have the life you wanted with her around? If you were going to do that, why even get married in the first place?

And why would you tell the mother of your son to not contact him ever, and if she did you would kill her? These were the kinds of questions running through Ash's mind.

Then, he noticed the envelope in Markus' hands. It was from his mother. His real mother. Had she ever contacted him before? Or was this the first time? It must've been, from the way Markus was talking.

"Ok, if your dad didn't even care for his wife, why did he marry her in the first place? And if he supposedly cares about your real mom in his own weird way, why forbid her from contacting you? And why exactly is she signing her death warrant by writing to you? Your dad doesn't have to know does he?"

[Markus O'Keefe]

Markus got a little agitated from the twenty questions game that Ashton seemed to be playing. How the hell was he supposed to know all the answers? It had happened eighteen years ago. His fathers wife had been killed, supposedly because of him. His mother had been sent away, again, because he wanted an heir. "Only thing I can guess at is that it's all my fault. He wanted a son, she gave him one. He wanted a good pureblood and his wife couldn't give him kids, which was something he didn't know at the time he married her." If he'd known, his father never would have married her, Markus was sure of it. By not telling him, she had signed her own death warrant.

He was worried the same would happen to his birth mother now, because she'd dared to write to him. It was a gamble too, what if he'd been close to his father? What if he'd immediately told him, not caring that it could get her killed?

"As far as the note goes..he has his ways. He knows everything, even what grades I get, regardless of whether or not I tell him. I'm not going to let him know, but that doesn't guarantee she won't be hurt when he finds out."

[Ashton Laurent]

Ash shook his head. It wasn't Markus' fault. It wasn't like he asked to come into this world. "How could it possibly be your fault? Your dad's the one who wanted a son. As for the pureblood thing, I may be pureblood myself, but I don't buy into that I'm-better-than-you bullshit. Blood doesn't matter. Or well, it shouldn't matter anyway. Unfortunately, to those still living in the Dark Ages blood seems to be everything" Ash knew he was most likely insulting some of Markus' friends. Like Scorpius Malfoy for example? But he honestly didn't care. He was entitled to his own opinion. Just because he was raised a pureblood didn't mean he had to act like one.

His dad knew everything? How was that even possible? What did he have spies or something? Ash had to hold back a laugh at the thought of a bunch of guys dressed all in black sneaking around.

"Ok but, if you don't tell him how will he find out? I guess I can understand why he'd know about the grades. The Headmaster probably tells him. That's how my dad finds out about mine. Not that he cares of course. But how will your dad find out about the letter?" he paused for a moment to gather his thoughts. "Are you... are you going to write her back?" he asked gesturing towards the letter.

The Ravenclaw sighed and leaned back against the stone wall. "Sounds to me like your dad needs a serious attittude adjustment. Then again, so does mine." he laughed bitterly, "Good lord our families are fucked up aren't they?"

[Markus O'Keefe]

Yes he was insulting some of his friends but he didn't care, as Markus felt Ash was probably absolutely right. He just ran fingers through his hair, wondering what to do until Ash asked that one question - was he going to write her back. He then realised that huh, he hadn't even opened the letter yet. It was something he should probably do first, because no matter how good ignoring her sounded (after all it meant her safety), it was a letter from his mother. From someone he'd never known but always missed.

"I don't even know what it says..." He nearly whispered it, hesitating for a second before pulling the note from the envelope.

Dear Markus, it read

Eighteen years ago, your father told me that if I ever were to contact you, he'd find me and make sure it never happened again. I know I'm taking a risk, not knowing how the relationship between you and your father is, but after so many years of silence, I still find myself thinking of how you'd grown up. If you turned out to be the kind of man I hoped you'd be. I've been out of the country for years, and only recently returned, but I would very much like to get in touch with you. If you decide not to honor my request, please just do me this one favor - do not tell him I wrote to you.

Love,
Your mother

Biting his lip, he paused for a minute to reread the note, then silently passed it along to Ashton.

[Ashton Laurent]

Ash sniled. "Then maybe you should open it?" he asked gently not wanting Markus to think he was being condescending. He watched the older boy as he read the letter. Even if Markus didn't show it, somehow Ash knew that this one little note from his mother probably meant more to him than anything right now. The poor boy no doubt missed her, even if he'd never met her. Ash still missed his mom when he couldn't be with her, even though she was alive and well. So he had an idea of what Markus must be feeling.

The Ravenclaw took the letter handed to him and read it over. It didn't actually say that Markus' dad would kill her, but he knew that that was the underlying meaning of the words. Ash was just glad that his father had not forbidden his own mom to contact him. In fact, he was with his mom during the weekends anyway, so they saw plenty of eachother.

He smiled and handed the letter back to Markus. "So now what? You gonna go see her? Or.. just write her back?" He wasn't trying to be nosy or tell Markus what he should do, he was just genuinely curious about it

[Markus O'Keefe]

He was surprised to notice that he was shaking a little, and Markus bit his lip, hoping the brunette next to him wouldn't notice. It wouldn't do to have just anyone know how much it affected him, and despite the fact that Ashton was most definitely not just anyone, he didn't want someone he only recently had started to call a friend to know that he was this close to falling apart. Instead he clung to the piece of paper as it was handed back to him, eyes scanning the lines to discover that he really wanted to know what she was like. If he was like her.

"I...I don't really know. I want to, obviously, but what if my father finds out? If I write to her or go to meet her...it won't be just her he's going after." Even though he'd turned of age long ago, was even eighteen at the moment, he was still afraid of what his father could do to him. Not just because he wanted his money, but because he had the means to make his life a whole lot more miserable than he planned it to be. He'd had enough misery to last him a life time - and yet he was always finding more, judging by the boy who was sitting next to him. He was a magnet for sob stories.

Sighing, he ran fingers through his hair and folded the paper back inside the envelope. He didn't really know what would be more dangerous - writing her back or ignoring her alltogether. What if she would send him another note? But the other option, writing her back and meeting her somewhere, well...it just made him nervous. He didn't want to disappoint her too.